From CEO to Stay-At-Home Dad

I sat in the “car park” commonly known as the M25 orbital road that circumnavigates London. Two hours had passed and I’d moved less than a mile. How dare someone lose concentration and crash their car?

The air ambulance above softened my selfish and unjustified anger. Plus, two hours sitting in rush hour traffic had its upside. I was able to process what had been a monumental day for me. Both businesses I’d started had become victim to a panicking investor who had called his money in.

I was shocked.

Everything had been going well. Granted, I was working 20 hours a day, eliciting every last drop of energy out of myself to develop and stabilise the businesses, but I was excited.

My idea had been described as an ‘amazing concept’. We were less than two years old but already had future contracts in the bag, making a small profit and rapidly growing an excellent reputation.

But, in the blink of an eye, it had all fallen down a hole.

And the domino effect of a “winding-up order” was catastrophic. At 54 years old I felt hopeless. Everything I had worked for was over in one day.

As I watched the air ambulance hover above me, I began to question my recent decisions. My mental and physical health were not as good as they should be. I had worked myself into the ground.

The intensity and relentless pursuit of a dream that would hopefully enable me to ‘hit the jackpot’ of financial security, had taken its toll. I knew deep down that I was deteriorating, but I’d always figured I’d catch up at some point…

It was a foolish assumption. Not only had my health suffered, but I’d missed precious time with my newborn daughter. Life was passing me by, and now even my businesses were gone.

Like the lengthy traffic jam I was in, all wasn’t well.

Eventually, three hours later I arrived home. As I stepped through the door, I felt instant relief. I was back in my oasis. I did what I always do when coming home — I held my daughter whilst we chose music to dance to.

Years of collecting records meant that my vinyl collection was as varied as anyone’s Apple playlist. It was a ritual that signified I was home and safe from the chaos of the impending business implosion.

Frank Sinatra ‘Come Fly With Me,’ played well — a few crackles but immaculate nevertheless. It was one of my mums favourite albums and had somehow survived 50 years of being moved from house to house in a crowded record box.

The lyrics were poignant as I tried to process my last fourteen hours. Contracts had been cancelled and people laid off. I had gone from flavour of the month to what felt like a sour-tasting bad apple.

Billion-dollar companies are brutal, more so when something disturbs their institutionalised operational habit.

My daughter’s purity was mesmerising.

Her innocence and warmth as we danced were intoxicating. I closed my eyes. I felt peaceful for the first time in ages.

As Ole Blue Eyes sang of Acapulco Bay, I made a decision to let go of everything to do with the businesses. It was time to trust the universe. Everything was going to be OK.

I made food for everyone. Cooking was like a meditation for me — instant gratification with things that taste great. We rolled through bath time, storytime, and then bedtime at 6 pm. This was a well-trodden ritual that had triumphantly delivered an unbroken 11 hours of sleep for our 10-month-old baby.

Set Goals

I believe anything is possible. It was time to create my own reality both inside and outside of my head. So, plans were made, lists were written, and physical and mental recovery was mapped out.

My daughter was my focus now and the idea of morning walks and Gymboree classes made me smile inwardly. It was time to go for relaxing strolls with the pushchair, change nappies, join groups and give the mother of my daughter space and time to develop her dreams and passion.

As parents, we figured that coming together was far more important than drifting apart under separate roles.

Ignore Doubt

However, in any transition, there are moments where one questions everything. This is an inevitable part of any change. Luckily, I knew from experience that perseverance and ‘zooming’ out mentally from these moments of uncertainty is essential.

And sure enough, the hostile WhatsApp groups soon deleted themselves. The legal obligations of closing a business became less and less and my time was now spent with the cutest and happiest small human being on earth.

My head was no longer full of P&L movement, recruitment of staff, HMRC, business rates, HR issues and updating business plans. And I now knew the significance of 9 am and 2 pm. These crucial nap times became the focus of my day.

It was serious stuff. Mess up the timing of naps and the release of cortisol in my daughter's brain would lead to the loudest soul-crushing cry ever. Our perfect 11 hours of sleep would crash and burn.

So, I plotted my early morning walk carefully to allow for a coffee at Gail’s Bakery and a stroll around the market to pick up fresh berries, all before nap time.

Focus on Your Health

I enjoyed the peace and pace of walking, it allowed me to slow my head down, be present and live the moment. Naptime allowed me to meditate or run — both of which had been forgotten for a very long time. I then prepared lunch, snacks and planned my afternoon walk.

This baby took some serious looking after. It made me realise what an amazing job all mums and dads do. All parents are winging it beautifully, and furiously spinning several important plates all at the same time.

I can’t deny that initially, it felt both wrong and alien to be a full-time dad. I knew this next chapter would be daunting. But, it would also be creative and rewarding. Kids inspire parents to be more focused and take more risks in the name of providing them with a future and security.

We would survive financially. Plus, I was spending valuable time with my daughter. There were new opportunities on the horizon. And I was finally shaping my new life.

As the weeks and months passed by, my running got better, my anxiety lessened and as predicted, things moved on.

Now, my daughter is 18 months old and I am a crucial part of her day.

She recently told an airplane full of people that I was “her daddy.” I have cooked 90% of her meals since I gave up the businesses, walked miles with the pushchair, and read her a bedtime story every night.

I’m fitter now than I ever have been.

I’m eating clean, training, and meditating every day. I may not eat out at as many nice restaurants or drive a Mercedes to work anymore but I have a different focus now.

I have my health and my family. Both I and my partner are following our passions in life. And, finally putting ourselves and our daughter first.

In hindsight, I’d never sacrifice myself again. At the time I figured as long as I could deal with the unpredictability of the businesses and find a way to keep them afloat, all would be well. We’d come out the other end.

But, I was throwing away my health and precious time. Work is important, but it can never be a replacement for family time, health or sleep.

So, don’t be a slave to your job for too long. It really isn’t worth it. Time will pass by and you’ll miss it all if you don’t stop to think. Be brave and do what’s best for you and your family.

Photography by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash