How to Battle Depression

I was not long out of a seven year relationship. The aftermath of a failed affair left me face-down on a mattress in the attic room of a friend. I was 29 years old and everything had become tight in my head. There seemed no way out of this dark and oppressive place.

The blanket of lethargy was firmly tucked around me

I literally couldn’t move for days. Each day bled into the next. There seemed nothing but a dark door to a room full of sadness.

My flatmate was highly creative. His lounge was a mini recording studio and was a thoroughfare of cool looking people. Each person loved to smoke weed, nod their beanie hat covered head to deep bass lines, and sharp snare drums.

I took part. I nodded my head politely whilst declining the skunk that filled the room. I became the tea maker. It gave me something to do and it allowed me to move from the sofa where I felt like an impostor in my own skin.

The days drifted into nights

I’d end up in some ‘cool’ club which was basically a bigger version of the lounge. I was happy to be around others, yet desperate to escape. I’d leave by myself often.

There was always a moment when I’d look around the room and think, ‘This is as good as it gets’.

I’d slip out unnoticed and begin a long walk home in the rain. Talking to myself all the way home, I would attempt to break out of the cotton wool that was my head.

In life there are always moments of clarity

There is always a sharp blinding insight that pierces the darkness. I entered the flat, I was relived to be home alone. I flicked the kitchen light on and opened the fridge.

The sight of a pint of semi-skimmed milk and nothing else made my heart sink. I was hungry. I flipped open, previously unexplored, cupboards in the hope of finding something more than milk.

Instead, I found 17 empty cereal boxes. Our food supplies and kitchen were in a sorry state. The cooker hob had a blackened frying pan with a day old omelette stuck to the sides. It was 11:48pm. I went to bed with a plan in my mind. Enough was enough.

1. Make your environment conducive to how you want to feel

In the 2016 study, The Dark Side of Home: Assessing Possession ‘Clutter’ on Subjective Well-Being,

“Findings reveal that place attachment and self-extension tendencies toward possessions positively contribute to psychological home. Clutter had a negative impact on psychological home and subjective well-being.”

Never again would I walk into a dirty kitchen with no food. I had no excuse. No one should live in a dirty, untidy and uninspiring room or apartment. Your immediate environment influences how you feel and how you will motivate the rest of your thought processes.

So, I woke early with a plan in my mind. I took the bedding off my bed, opened the window and sat cross legged on my mattress. With my headphones on, I popped in the Ram Dass audio cassette which had been hiding for over a year in my record bag.

I played the whole of one side of the cassette. At first I was uncomfortable. I felt irritated. However, after 20 minutes or so, I settled into the rhythm of his soothing American voice.

“It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path and proceed” — Ram Dass

It was raining again but this morning I had purpose. I walked to the supermarket and purchased lots of cleaning equipment, bin bags, fruit, vegetables and some wholemeal pasta.

It was 11.30 when I got back home. I quietly opened the door. My flatmate was still asleep. I entered the kitchen and closed the door behind me. Two hours later I emerged triumphant. I’d cleaned every surface, cupboard, drawer, the fridge, the cooker, the floor and even the windows.

I set off to the launderette to dry my bedding leaving a tuna pasta bake in the oven. I had momentum for the first time in over a year.

Pasta never tasted so good. When I got home, I ate, made my bed, sorted my vinyl collection back into some semblance of order and hoovered the whole flat. The bathroom got the same treatment as the kitchen. And then I took a shower. The day had flown by.

2. Small gestures go a long way to improve your sense of self

I rooted out an old bag of toiletries. I found a Body Shop Peppermint Foot Balm which had never been opened and began restoring my feet. After all, they had kept me grounded every day.

I closed my door and as the beats of the newest sample repeated themselves from downstairs. I put my headphones on, flipped Ram Dass on and drifted into sleep. It was one of the deepest sleep I had had in a long time.

It is a cumulative gathering of kind gestures towards oneself that create the greater sense of self. It doesn’t have to be an epic and expensive spa day out that makes you feel better. By simply slowing down the mind and nurturing yourself, you will help create lightness and eliminate the dark feelings in your mind.

3. Shift your energy and get moving

I’d not been for a run for at least ten months. My running trainers needed replacing but now wasn’t the time for excuses. I popped my headphones on and slipped out of the front door. It was just getting light.

The Grand Union Canal, was five minutes away and I figured running by the water would somehow make me feel better. The rain felt cleansing on my face. I managed 20 minutes on the Grand Union Canal. After a short stretch I turned to run back home.

The study, The Relationship between the Physical Activity Environment, Nature Relatedness, Anxiety, and the Psychological Well-being Benefits of Regular Exercisers explains,

“The benefits of short bouts of green exercise on state anxiety were positive and found that the greenness of the environment while exercising was more likely to be related to reductions in state anxiety than exercise on its own.”

Shifting your energy, sweating and oxygenating the brain all have positive effects on mental health. Life will always have ups and downs but integrating a positive constant like running will never let you down. Finding a park, lake, canal or woodland where you can walk everyday will improve your mood and add the momentum of self discipline you need.

“Whenever we touch nature we can get clean. People who have got dirty through too much civilisation can take a walk in the woods or a bath in the sea” — Carl Jung

4. Don’t limit yourself with your thoughts

I made breakfast and stood in the doorway of the lounge. I surveyed the full ashtrays and take-away cartons that littered the room. It was time to move out. But how could I afford it? I’d been treading water with my client based job, getting by but nothing more. I couldn’t see a way out.

I made a to do list then listened to Ram Dass again. His idea of letting the universe flow through me would take some implementing. It had to let go to the idea and understand that I choose what I think, therefore I can create my own reality. I felt peaceful and happy for the first time since I could remember.

As if by a miracle, within two weeks I’d moved to a flat with views over Hampstead Heath and a hammock on the roof terrace. Work became so busy that I never looked back. Everything I had wanted had come to me.

It had taken two days of cleaning, organising, exercising and visualising exactly what I wanted, to give myself hope, belief and structure.

Many years later, I still draw on these dark moments to remind myself of the positive actions I took. Every positive journey needs it’s first step. You just have to trust the process and stay motivated. Doubt is natural but it doesn’t have to be acted upon.

A bright and safe environment to live, a clean, aired and uncluttered bedroom, healthy food, exercise outdoors and time spent cleansing ones mind will ensure you have the self-discipline and purpose to move forward and transform your life.

Life is a series of ups and downs, highs and lows. How you deal with them is entirely effected by your actions towards yourself. So, be kind, be grateful and love yourself.

Photography by Masaaki Komori on Unsplash